He's the star of my life, Yes He is

Living my life as a fangirl, means going through several kind of moods just in one day, tho not everyday..

"My bias is having a concert!"

I could be extremely happy, but sometimes i could feel a really tiny bit sad. Especially the one where i only got to see through my timeline, without being able to be physically attending, moreover, if it's something reachable, or if i could actually afford it..

"My bias is sending something on bubble"

I could be extremely happy, but once again I could be worried "ahh he's kinda unwell? ahh, he's kinda feel sad?".. I could be really feel relieved "ahh, he said he's fine! ahh he said something really personal, he trust us so he can share his feeling".. I could feel loved "ahh, he said some encouraging words.. he said he's proud of me".. I could be all giggly "ahh, he's sending a funny selca! ah he said good morning with his adorable voice"..

and so on.. 

Living my life as a fangirl at 30, means people could judge me, but I don't really care anymore..

"You spend that much money just to see them in a monitor? what's the difference with just seeing it on your laptop?"

"You bought this kind of doll for that much money? You must be crazy!"

But then, even though I could feel irritated for awhile, in the end I don't really care anymore.. I do what makes me happy. I spent my hard earn money for something that brings happiness for me. I don't relied into anyone. I did my responsibility, maybe even more than someone who said all those things.

and so on..

Living my life as fangirl these days means my parasocial relationship with him isn't about "he is mine" (I have never had this kind of mindset tho), but praying for his happiness, in every form it means instead.

"He loves his members!" Then I do too.. "He's happy to work and meet us!" Then I appreciate his works even more than I usually do.. "He said he knows his condition the best!" Then I respect it, I'll support every decision he made tho sometimes I didn't really agree.. "He said he couldn't come as usual for us" Then I'll wait, until everything is becoming better tho it tortures me inside..

and so on..

Living my life as a fangirl today means I realized "I don't believe on forever, but I want an eternity with him" (in term of liking idols, not romantically of course)

Living my life as a fangirl now means He is the star of my life. Shining so bright tho it's far away..