Sadness

I promise myself to write something after i got a job, but i finally never did, up till now.. i've been really busy with my job. tired, stressed out and need some vacation. am i being too selfishly whining here? i know, all of peoples out there having it hard too, even harder, that i actually have to chill and be grateful instead. but no, today i won't care about anything like that and just pour all of my sadness here..

truthfully, i don't think i have been smile so happily even just once in this 8 months. i wake up everyday with a same thought. i hate this life and i hate this job. my friend told me once, that i'm a type that doesn't like to work under anyone. that i have to do something on my own style. i have to start it on my own. at that time i didn't believe her. but now i realized that what is she saying is true. i hate it when people told me i should do this and that. i hate it when i have to stick into some kind of rule i don't agree at all. maybe it's about vision? because for me it's safety but for them it's benefit. i can't blame them at all. it's business after all.

i love simple things while all i face is complicated things. it's hard for me to handle these guys too. everyone have their ego, so am i. i'm tired of thinking about all of them when they didn't even look back at me. they're still young, i know, i understand.. they did well.. but having no same age friends, or at least someone who can understand your position is really hard. like you don't have anyone to lean on. these kids make me tired, and management issues make me torn..

i sick often, and my blood pressure is just always at 90/60 mmHg. my parents worried about me because i looked tired and unhappy everyday. God, what's wrong with me? i feel so sorry for making my family worried over me but i could't bring my self to be strong..

i wish i could just run away..

i looked back all of my posts here and i just missed the old days. i often write about my worries, sadness, and all the negative emotions here back then. it calms me down when i could pour my emotion through what i write so i'll feel just fine in real life. and now, i just try to do the same. i wish i could run away, but nothing will be better just by that. at least i have to pour all of my negative feelings here. no one probably will read. no one will probably care. or even if someone read it, they will just think: what's wrong with this girl?" hahaha..

thank you blogspot. for giving me a chance to rant like this. i know it's random but i hate it all, life is so suck lately, but i hope that everything will be just fine soon..